A Little Big News

We’re expecting.

The kids cannot wait. Part of that is the suspense, since we don’t find out ahead of time if it’s a boy or girl. Part of that is the innocent joy at a new brother or sister. They know that there is good in new life.

We talk about it allllllll the time at home. When the baby’s birthday will be. What the baby will look like. What the baby’s personality will be.

This pregnancy has been a challenge; their joy has been a blessing.

Very early on, I was convinced we were miscarrying. Having been through it before, I let my doctor know. She recommended coming in for regular blood work in order to make sure things were settling down. After about of week of pokes, there was concern that my levels weren’t returning to normal, so she asked that I come in for an ultrasound.

There was a heartbeat! It was such a surprise, and such good news. I tried to explain to the sonographer the reason for my tears and wondered how I would tell David when I got home. There was still evidence of bleeding and inflammation, though, so we weren’t out of the woods.

By this time we had spent a couple weeks mourning and trying to move on. I didn’t expect how hard it would be to shift emotionally from “this is finished” to “there is hope.” Maybe. Maybe there is hope.

I kept waiting to feel anything other than unsettled. Deep inside, I *knew* that things were going to go wrong. Because they already had. It was just a matter of time before the next bit of bad news would hit.

I told myself that the 20-week ultrasound would be a turning point. That after that day, I could tell people and talk about The New Baby like he or she would actually survive. I’d walk out of the appointment after hearing “everything looks okay” and be ready to share the news with the world.

Welp. It was another teary drive home after my ultrasound. They couldn’t get clear pictures of the heart, brain, or spine. (Only the three most important importanty parts, right?)

Although I knew in my head that this was pretty standard (having gone through it or seen others go through it multiple times), in my heart it just confirmed the grey cloud that had been weighing on me for months.

I was scheduled for a follow up ultrasound a month later.

Do you know how many days are in a month? It felt like a hundred. My time in limbo marched on. The happiness of the other kids made it bearable.

Bea has been asking for a baby sister since we brought Mateo home from the hospital, but little brother would tie up the count at 3 girls, 3 boys. Win-win. The kids suggested baby names (Bea is pushing for “Rosita” or “Moses”).

Finally, finally the date of the followup arrived. And everything looked fine.

I waited 24 weeks for someone to tell me that things looked fine. But I still have a hard time telling anyone. We’ve been dealing with all sorts of behind-the-scenes issues that make waving the “proud to have a big family” flag uncomfortable.

Six kids are unusual. Weird, even. As an introvert and people-pleaser, the reactions of others affect me much deeper than they should. Today I don’t have the energy to handle the raised eyebrows or comments.

Because even though the ultrasound showed that things are fine, they might not stay fine. With Cee and Mateo we’ve gone through some tough stuff. We know how quickly things can change.

Through all this, there’s been a small circle who has been willing to celebrate with us. To ask how things are going, even. So much gratitude for those dear people!

I’m ready to make an announcement now only because I want to add to that handful of people who have been praying for us and holding us in their hearts. Hearing that everything looks fine at 24 weeks didn’t flip the magic switch like I had hoped.

We’d appreciate prayers for The New Baby, prayers for peace, and prayers for all the extra stuff that our family is plodding through.

So that’s our little big news. We don’t need fireworks, a confetti cannon, or other public-y display, but we would be grateful for your prayers.

David, the kids, New-Baby-Probably-Not-Rosita-or-Moses, and I thank you! <3