Participants in “Write 31 Days” pledge to write for 30 minutes on a single topic every day in October. My topic? Happiness.
Today Cee passed her plate to Elle and asked her to mash up her sweet potatoes at dinner. Confused as to why she didn’t do it herself, I asked if her wrists hurt.
“No, they just get a little tired,” she answered cheerfully. Tired from mashing up fall-apart-soft sweet potatoes?!?!
It’s probably about the most cheer we saw from her today. Except for when we were reading a funny book together, she’s been…moody.
Moody in a way that isn’t normal. Moody in a way that’s a sucker punch to my happiness. Excessive irritability is a sign that her arthritis is continuing to bubble.
I gave it a day.
I tried to smile more.
We’ve read lots of books.
It still isn’t better.
I re-read my cave thoughts from a few days ago. Hey– I just used my own post for inspiration not to freak out. Nice.
Anyway, I make good points. Worrying won’t help anything. Choosing to be happy even when things are awful isn’t being fakey or inauthentic, it just keeps things from spiraling down worse. It’s okay to feel the feelings. To talk about them. And to choose not to indulge them.
I used to enjoy fall– the reprieve from summer heat, the beautiful leaves, the back-to-school excitement.
Now it makes me crabby– the iffy weather, the resurgence of germs, the need to stay inside. All those factors have meant that fall ushers in a rough season for Cee. For all of us.
She’s been complaining of a sore throat. She’s doing her weird tip-toe walk to compensate for her hip pain.
I gave it a day.
I tried to smile more.
We’ve diffused thieves.***
It still isn’t better.
So I’ve made a doctor appointment for tomorrow morning. Cee’s SOJIA means that the usual signs of a serious infection aren’t always there. She may not run a fever, for example, when everyone else does with a certain bug.
To complicate things, we put a lot of effort into turning her superhuman immune system off. Her infusions and chemo shots are designed to do just that. For someone like Cee, a cold can morph into something like pneumonia quickly because her immune system is sluggish.
It could be something. It could be nothing. All we can do is wait. Which is killer to this whole happiness thing.
Or maybe it’s not. It’s not much of an accomplishment to be happy when life is clipping along just swell. But for the widower trying to rebuild his life? The woman facing cancer? The family struggling to make ends meet? Trying to be a decent person then is laudable. Smiling at strangers, holding doors for people, giving up primo parking spaces, being kind to the checkout lady– all those tiny acts of bravery increase in value.
Life is not a cake walk. It’s more like an episode of Chopped. You get weird ingredients and try to figure out how to turn them into something palatable. You win some, you lose some, and you try not to give anyone food poisoning.
The best contestants share their crème fraîche with the desperate competing chef. They don’t bash their competitors in the video package. When they lose, they still look happy underneath the disappointment. And when they win, they dedicate it to their mamas.
Life just handed me soy sauce, watermelon, kelp, and pig testicles. Thanks, life. Let’s make a frittata.
Inside I have no idea how this is going to work out, but with enough sea salt and puff pastry, it just might. This one’s for you, mom!
***In case you’re confused, “diffusing thieves” doesn’t involve breaking up arguments between pirates. It’s an essential oil. Please don’t roll your eyes! We’re not that kind of people, mostly. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t; we pretty much try anything that doesn’t seem dangerous as far as complementary medicine.
Follow along via facebook, bloglovin, or email subscription (above).
Day 1: The Evolution of an Idea
Day 2: In a Cave
Day 3: The Pursuit
Day 4: Peanuts Gang Style
Day 5: A Beautiful Death
Day 6/7: Like a Moody Teenager
Day 8: Survival of the Fittest Gardening
Day 9: My Sunday Best
Day 10: Traditions
Day 11: Still in the Cave
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Praying for your daughter. That must be so very hard to see her struggle.
I love your “thieves” explanation about settling pirate arguments! We use it too, by the way 😉 And the Chopped analogy. I can relate.
Your happiness posts this month have really hit home with me, and have been so inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your reflections. God bless.
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Your prayers are much appreciated. We’re still working on figuring out this frittata…
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I’m sorry to hear about Cee’s recent downturn… I have been praying for you both in my daily rosary and will continue. “Wait” is pretty much a four letter word for us auto-immune/inflammatory folks, isn’t it? (I personally hate it.)
I liked your points about choosing happiness when things are awful. Someone once told me “to feel the feelings, then move on to the next one.” The key is to not get stuck.
Your entire series on happiness has been so beautiful and raw. Thank you for sharing this with us….
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Thanks, Connie. It’s been good to force myself to be intentional about happiness lately. We’re just on the edge of things with Cee– they aren’t super serious yet, but we’ve seen the pain crescendo more often than not. Then again, it could all be gone in a week. It’s an awkward place to be. We appreciate your prayers very much.
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Poor Cee! How terrible! I’ll say some prayers for her.
Also, I loved this paragraph….
“Anyway, I make good points. Worrying won’t help anything. Choosing to be happy even when things are awful isn’t being fakey or inauthentic, it just keeps things from spiraling down worse. It’s okay to feel the feelings. To talk about them. And to choose not to indulge them.”
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Your prayers are very appreciated!
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